Kids! You Can't Eat 'Em!

I found this picture in an old family photo album the other day.  My mother and father in the early 50's.  Two teenagers in love and too stupid to understand that kids will drive you crazy. 

At one point in 1970 my mother got so close to the brink of insanity that my father loaded me and my four brothers into the station wagon and drove to the music store and bought her an organ.  Someone at work had convinced him that playing the organ would keep her from killing her children.

She loved it!  While me and my brothers ran around the house beating the crap out of each other, she played "Lady of Spain" like a demented Phantom of the Opera. 

On rainy days it was like living in the roller rink.

I told my friend Jenny this story.  Jenny topped that story with her own "crazy mother" story.  She told me that when she was a kid and her mother got angry, she'd say "I should have eaten you when your bones were still soft."  I was horrified by this.  I mean, what kind of card do you get this woman for Mother's Day?

My bones are now hard, and your bones are shrinking,
You get sick, I pull the plug, that's what I'm thinking;
A mom is pure love, so pure and so rich,
enjoy the nursing home you miserable bitch.

Yes, my mother was crazy, but at least she didn't threaten us with cannibalism.