Retrosexuals

Facebook is being used by Old Farts to reconnect with Old Flames.  According to Newsers.com, there’s a term for the trend – Retrosexuals.

There are sweet stories about people finding lost loves through the social network like a woman in Chicago who found the first boy she ever kissed after 22 years.  They began dating, fell in love and got married. 

Call me cynical, but I think the majority of retrosexual stories are of the sordid type.  Adultery is nothing new.

Remember the 1998 movie “You’ve Got Mail?”  AOL was all the rage back in the 90’s because it was one of the first internet sites that “regular people” could access easily.  I opened my AOL account in 1994.

Email was one thing – the chat rooms were something else entirely.  You could find people to talk to at any time, day or night.  You could chat about any subject in the comfort of your own home, anonymously.  It didn’t matter if you were into quilting or devil worship – you could find likeminded people.

But the truth is, most of the chat rooms were filled with men and women flirting with each other. 

I commuted daily on the LIRR with George, a very nice, mild-mannered man.  He told me his wife was so obsessed with “those darn chat rooms” his family life had become a nightmare where he got off the train at 7:00 and had to tend to his two children, do the housework, and make his own dinner.

One Saturday morning while George was at work, his wife took a plane to Cleveland to shack up with a chat room buddy.  George was devastated, she was apologetic, and the chat room obsession was addressed in couples counseling.  I stopped commuting about a month later, so I don’t know if the marriage survived.

Before technology it was the high school reunion.  You go to your 20 year reunion, have a few martinis, and that guy you drooled over in high school is telling you how beautiful you are and of course he remembers you -- he was just too shy back then to approach you.  Your husband is home in Topeka.  What the hell … whose it gonna hurt? 

Cue the chicka bow-wow porn music

(or watch this funny commercial if you don't know how porn music sounds)

Brooklyn

I guess before reunions it was going back to the old neighborhood and asking Mrs. Rossini “how’s your beautiful daughter Angela doing?  Tell her hello for me.”  When Mama Rossini gives poor unhappily married Angela your message, she tracks you down.  A few months and a few quickies later her jealous husband tracks you down, shoots and kills you.   



Mrs. Rossini from "Whose the Boss"



W. Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia:

“You get a thrill out of finding an old girlfriend just to see if she still likes you. You're curious to see what she looks like, and it's easy to fantasize about alternative courses your life might have taken.”

 

Ah yes, “if only” and “what if” -- I know them well.

And, of course, the most famous trio: 

“shoulda woulda coulda.”

We make choices in life.  A lot of them suck.  If the decision is marriage to the wrong partner, tough shit.  You either suck it up and make it work or get a divorce. 

Adultery is not the answer – oh, and neither is murder, you usually get caught!

So imagine my disgust when I got a phone call from someone that I used to love.  Good song -- “Someone that I Used to Love.”  I linked it if you want to listen.  

Anyway, I’ll call this man Roy because Roy Biggins was the obnoxious fat guy on the television show Wings.  I wouldn’t do Roy with YOUR or your mother’s cho-cha! 

I’ve already posted on this blog how much I hate the phone.  Roy is an Old Fart who doesn’t use computers, so he needs a phone to connect with an Old Flame.

Background:  Roy was good looking when I was in my 30’s.  We shared some good times, lots of laughs.  Then out of the blue he knocks up a chick and marries her.  A mutual friend has kept me up to date on Roy’s lousy marriage and 20 years of hard drinking, not because I care, but because we’re gossiping Yentas.  I’ve seen a picture of Roy’s alcohol-bloated face. 

In my opinion, Roy is living out his major life choice and I escaped a bullet.

THE CONVERSATION

Hey ... do you know who this is?

You always know you’re in trouble with the “guess who it is ” phone call.

It’s Roy, I was hanging out with Joe and Brian this past weekend and

your name came up.  How are you?

Um … wow, I’m okay.  Wow ... how are you?

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Listen I was thinking, maybe I could come out there and take you to lunch.

What I said:

Well, I’m really busy looking for work, and I don’t know what my schedule is going to be like, polite blah, polite blah, polite blah, yeah sure, you can try me again next week ...

 

What I should have said:

Are you kidding me?  You call me after twenty years just to take me to lunch? 

Take your friggin wife out to lunch. 

You get a twitch in your peen thinking about the good old days and you call me?  You don't have even have the decency to send me an email! 

I know what you have on your mind you big old bloated cheating bastard – I’m on the internet!  I know all about Retrosexuals!

He hasn't called, so perhaps he picked up on my vibes.  Then again, maybe he found some other Drunken Old Flame’s cho-cha to reconnect with.



Blah is all I heard until he got to the real reason for the call.