There’s a new doctor show coming soon to your television. Do we really need another doctor show? Dr. Oz and The Doctors do a good job of covering every medical condition that I never wanted to know about.
These doctor shows are a hypochondriac’s dream. I have the Hypochondria Fairy on my shoulder. If my fingers tingle I have Lupus. A headache is never just a headache, it’s either a stroke or a tumor.
For years I relied on the Merck Big Book of Symptoms. It was a huge red book with over 1000 pages, and was so ragtag from overuse, I needed a headband to keep the pages together.
About 15 years ago on a sunny Saturday morning I woke up with a headache. As I cleaned the house, I began to feel a bit nauseous. I turned to my reliable book of symptoms just to make sure I wasn’t on death’s doorstep.
Nausea – check
Headache – check
Joint pain – hmm, now that you mention it -- yes, my knees hurt
What do YOU say oh great big red book of symptoms?
BOTULISM!!!
Enter the Hypochondria Fairy, and she’s yelling in my ear:
Of course it’s botulism, that can of pears last night tasted tinny.
It all makes sense. When I bend over my head feels like it’s going to explode! The pain! I think I have a fever. Chills? Oh no, I think I have chills too! I AM on death's doorstep!
Oh my GOD!! I HAVE BOTULISM!!!
Panicked, I drove to the local walk-in clinic. Diagnosis: sinus infection and a touch of a stomach virus. He laughed at me when I told him about the tinny tasting pears.
The virus was gone the next morning, the sinus infection cleared up a few days later, but the humilation lasted about a month.
But it was the last straw. I knew that if I wanted to live a somewhat normal life I would have to trash my big red book of symptoms.
And all was well in Aunt Annieville … until the Devil WebMD appeared on my internet.
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| The WebMD Symptoms Body http://symptoms.webmd.com/default.htm |
With the body symptom scanner, my belly ache can be one of 20 different ailments -- anything from gas to lactose intolerance. Of course the Hypochondria Fairy thinks it’s Giardiasis!
Giardiasis (say "jee-ar-DYE-uh-sus") is an infection of the intestines caused by the parasite Giardia lamblia.
The illness, also called giardia, is most often a problem in undeveloped countries where tap water is not safe.
The fact that I haven’t been outside the country in two years and have a Brita water filter for my own tap water means nothing to the Hypochondria Fairy, because in the United States you can also get it from drinking water out of streams, rivers and lakes.
But with these doctor shows, I don’t need a big red book, WebMD or mayoclinic.com to unleash the Hypochondria Fairy. All I have to do is turn on The Doctors at 9:00 a.m. and Dr. Oz at 3:00 p.m.
There may be some informative bits on these shows, but most of them are made up of scary segments that make you afraid to eat a piece of fruit or wipe your own ass.
My biggest pet peeve with these shows are the audience members. They’re made up of mostly women who screech with such ear-piercing velocity that I can feel my brain swell. They act like Dr. Oz is a rock star. I yell at them:
SHUT UP! He’s a cardiologist who discusses the color of poop on national television. You’re an embarrassment to women everywhere!
The audience members on The Doctors are just as bad. They oooh and aaaah over Dr. Travis like he's a male model. I yell at them:
SHUT UP! He’s got ears like Hermie the Dentist! You’re an embarrassment to women everywhere!
And then you have that woman in the audience of The Doctors who has some sort of medical condition that she’s too embarrassed to see her physician about, yet has no problem discussing it with the four doctors on stage, the crew, the one hundred other audience members and the MILLIONS of television viewers!
And now another doctor is getting a show -- I pray we all survive!
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