Infantilism is the desire to wear diapers and be treated like a baby.It is often discussed alongside diaper fetishes. Those with infantilism tend to consider themselves adult babies (or ABs). Those with diaper fetishes tend to consider themselves diaper lovers (or DLs). Since many adult babies also enjoy the interests of DLs and visa versa, they are collectively called AB/DLs ABDLs.
Oh, by the way, yes -- wetting and messing in the diaper is a common practice.
Most people with infantilism can’t remember ever not having these urges. The age in which it usually rears its ugly head is from five to fifteen.
But in some cases the onset has been as late as the age of 53!!!
Whoaaaa!!!! 53 and pissing in diapers? Well, sure, that’s why they makes Depends!
HI OH!!
Okay, okay, Depends jokes are old. I could have mentioned Whoopi Goldberg's commercials for Poise Pee Pee Pads, but that would have been too obvious.
Whoopi's the biggest sell-out for cash since Megan Mullaley started doing butter commercials.
Don't even click on this commercial, it's 30 seconds of of "how could she?"
Hell, if they needed the money that bad, even though I'm out of work, I could have sent them each $100 NOT to do these commercials.
Okay, back to adult babies ...
Say hello to Stanley Thornton. He's a very fat adult baby
He sucks a pacifer while playing with toys
He is bottle fed (by a woman whose not his mother)
So, is your interest peaked? If so, you can turn in to "Taboo", a new series on THE National Geographic Channel. Here's a sneak preview of Stanley's Taboo ...
According to AARP magazine, there’s a whole population of old men wanting to have sex.I’m not talking AARP old, I’m talking antique, already paid for the cemetery plot old – 80’s and 90’s.
Remember when you were in your 20’s and the thought of "old people" having sex was disgusting? And "old" was 40 or 50?
And as you get older you realize that “disgusting old people sex” is always 20 years older than whatever age you are at the time.I don’t find 50’s and 60’s sex disgusting anymore.Even early 70’s sex is fine -- okay, wait a minute -- I just felt a cringe and a chill run up my spine.
My father is the youngest of 11, so I have cousins in their 70’s.My 70 year old cousin recently got a new IPhone.Let’s call him "David" for identification purposes.
Anyway David was very excited when he bought a new IPhone.Everyone knows how the IPhone works – you touch the screen and it does what you want it to do – MAGIC!
The magic is really just the device taking the electric charge from your body as you touch the screen, and transferring it to the phone.
David’s IPhone didn’t work when he touched it, so he had to buy a $12 special stylus pen to make the thing work.He thought he was the only one to need a special pen for an IPhone, until he talked to a few of his old geezer buddies and learned that they too needed the special pen.
These old bastards don’t have enough juice left in their bodies to work an IPhone, but they fantasize about getting laid a few times an hour. And you know they'll fight each other to the death over that last Viagra.
I know it's a foreign language, but I swear I heard "give me that Viagra you old bastard!"
Hugh Hefner, 84, is engaged to marry 24 year old Crystal Harris. Listen, when you name your kid Crystal, she's gonna end up being a pole dancer or playboy bunny -- or crypt keeper.
Crystal the Crypt Keeper and her Cranky Old Man, a Major Stockholder of VIAGRA
Grumpy Old Men -- Not just a Movie
Then
Now
Now
The truth is that men get grumpier with age.You want proof? Look at Bill Cosby. He used to be funny and entertaining.Now every time I see him he’s complaining and whining about something.
Wally
My father’s name is Walter, but his whole life he’s been Wally.Everybody loves Wally.Wally the joker.Wally the fun guy.Smiling Wally.
Now that he's an old man, Wally’s face is set in a permanent scowl. He isn't even aware of it, it's just his face now. We have to bring it to his attention. We say "hey, Walter, smile."
Walter
The brilliance of Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham and Walter!
And yet we put up with the grumps, the grouches and the curmudgeons in our lives because we love them. Plus, they die before us. That’s why at any senior citizen center you’ll see women fighting over the men -- to the death.
I know it's a foreign language, but I swear I heard "keep your hands off him, that’s my grumpy old man you bitch!" before they start pummeling each other
Oh, if you want to read the AARP article on how old farts want more sex, click here:
I have always loved Barbie. Check out her first commercial.
I was so disappointed when my nieces lost interest in Barbie at a very young age.They were more into $100 American Girl dolls that sat on shelves because they were too expensive to play with. Oh, and those ugly BRATZ dolls!
I had Barbie and her friend, Midge.I never had a Ken doll.My parents bought me Allan instead.Allan was created to be Ken’s best friend and Midge’s boyfriend.In my world Allan was Barbie’s boyfriend.Midge was just the side-kick with no man of her own.
I’ll confess -- when I was 13 years old I would tiptoe down the basement to sneak in some playtime with Barbie.I would have died of embarrassment if any of my friends had caught me, but I just wasn’t ready to give up Barbie and her friends.
At 13 you’re part child/part grown-up. I was child enough to play with Barbie; adult enough to make Barbie a whore.While Allan went to work, my Barbie was visited by Johnny West.He was my brother Tommy’s long-forgotten cowboy doll, and quite a hunk.
Eventually I packed away my dolls along with their clothes and accessories in my vintage Barbie case.The next time I saw my beloved Barbie was when I was about 20.I came home from work to find an open, broken case, Barbie clothes and one-inch pink plastic stilettos strewn all over the driveway.Just outside the garage was a massacre of naked and decapitated dolls.
The Barbie Doll Murderer, as he became known, was my 8 year old brother Michael.The Allan doll was discontinued in 1965 and is worth about $65 today.I have no idea how much Barbie would be worth – that last year with Johnny West was rough on her.
So it kind of ruffles Aunt Annie's feathers when I see that on the Today Show there was a woman who made a life-size Barbie doll to "raise awareness of eating disorders." She said she suffered from anorexia when she was a cheerleader in high school. So she is skinny AND popular -- I already hate her!
The doll stands six feet tall with a 39-inch bust, 18-inch waist and 33-inch hips and is supposed to depict Barbie, if she were human, I guess.
“I’m not blaming Barbie [for my illness] — she’s one small factor, an environmental factor,” Slayen said. “I’m blond and blue-eyed and I figured that was what I was supposed to look like. She was my idol. It impacted the way I looked at myself.”
Yeah, sure, you’re not blaming Barbie. Mattel’s answer, via email, was basically “the doll was never modeled on the proportions of a real person.”
Good thing I don’t work for Mattel
“What the hell is wrong with you people?It’s a f*&king doll that’s been around for over fifty f*&king years.If you want to look like Barbie you're one messed up little kid.”
Even Yale and Duke Universities got into it. Studies agree on the measurements, give or take a few inches on the waist.They say she would not be able to hold up her head, would have to crawl on all fours due to her legs and feet, wouldn’t be able to menstruate and would have many medical problems.
Aren't there other studies to be done?Perhaps find curesfor cancer, AIDS, autism and so many other serious diseases and conditions.
All this criticism of Barbie makes me think.
No one has said shit to Bill Cosby about Fat Albert. Maybe HE's the cause behind this OBESITY EPIDEMIC! AHA!
HEY HEY HEY
“I’m not blaming Fat Albert — he’s one small factor.He was my idol.It impacted the way I looked at myself.”
In February over 400 people attended a fund raiser at the Playboy mansion.Over 100 of them developed a respiratory illness, including fever and headache.
"It is scary everyone came down with the same thing at the same time," says one participant. "It knocked me off my feet for five days," says another. "I'm over it now, but I'm still feeling fatigue, which is not a good thing."
Perhaps it’s the fog machine on the dance floor, they said. I tend to agree:
Yep, that's what it is -- the fog machine. I’ve been to parties with fog machines
and I’ve needed to use my asthma inhaler – Stupid fog machines!
Two months later, epidemiologists can now confirm that it was a milder form of Legionnaires’ disease known as Pontiac disease.The culprit?
Vapors from the hot tub at the Playboy mansion.
Do I hear a collective “ewwwwwwwwwww”???
What's Up Doc? I have Legionnaire's Disease, that's what's up!
Legionnaires' disease acquired its name in July 1976 when an outbreak of pneumonia occurred among people attending a convention at a hotel.
INDOORS!
What kind of God-awful thing was brewing in the Playboy hot tub that was so potent it infected people milling around the grounds – OUTDOORS!?
Even BigFoot can figure out Dirty Bunny Pish Soup
I’ve sat poolside on cruise ships and watched people plop themselves into the hot tub. When they exit others willingly take their place.Young, old, skinny, fat, black, white – and all those skin cells are sloughing off into the hot water.
You really don't know whose in that human bouillabaisse with you. Does that man have a festering boil on his ass? Does that woman have a yeast infection? You really don't know, do you?
How most people view Hot Tubs
How Aunt Annie sees Hot Tubs
If Legionnaires’ disease isn’t enough to keep you out of a hot tub, how about Folliculitis?It’s an infection caused by bacteria that survives in hot tubs.
First you get an itchy, bumpy, red rash; and then the bumps can turn into dark red, tender nodules. Oh yeah, and the bumps may fill with pus!
And of course, you could always find yourself in a hot tub with this girl
Facebook is being used by Old Farts to reconnect with Old Flames.According to Newsers.com, there’s a term for the trend – Retrosexuals.
There are sweet stories about people finding lost loves through the social network like a woman in Chicago who found the first boy she ever kissed after 22 years.They began dating, fell in love and got married.
Call me cynical, but I think the majority of retrosexual stories are of the sordid type.Adultery is nothing new.
Remember the 1998 movie “You’ve Got Mail?”AOL was all the rage back in the 90’s because it was one of the first internet sites that “regular people” could access easily.I opened my AOL account in 1994.
Email was one thing – the chat rooms were something else entirely.You could find people to talk to at any time, day or night.You could chat about any subject in the comfort of your own home, anonymously.It didn’t matter if you were into quilting or devil worship – you could find likeminded people.
But the truth is, most of the chat rooms were filled with men and women flirting with each other.
I commuted daily on the LIRR with George, a very nice, mild-mannered man. He told me his wife was so obsessed with “those darn chat rooms” his family life had become a nightmare where he got off the train at 7:00 and had to tend to his two children, do the housework, and make his own dinner.
One Saturday morning while George was at work, his wife took a plane to Cleveland to shack up with a chat room buddy.George was devastated, she was apologetic, and the chat room obsession was addressed in couples counseling.I stopped commuting about a month later, so I don’t know if the marriage survived.
Before technology it was the high school reunion.You go to your 20 year reunion, have a few martinis, and that guy you drooled over in high school is telling you how beautiful you are and of course he remembers you -- he was just too shy back then to approach you.Your husband is home in Topeka.What the hell … whose it gonna hurt?
Cue the chicka bow-wow porn music
(or watch this funny commercial if you don't know how porn music sounds)
Brooklyn
I guess before reunions it was going back to the old neighborhood and asking Mrs. Rossini “how’s your beautiful daughter Angela doing?Tell her hello for me.”When Mama Rossini gives poor unhappily married Angela your message, she tracks you down.A few months and a few quickies later her jealous husband tracks you down, shoots and kills you.
Mrs. Rossini from "Whose the Boss"
W. Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia:
“You get a thrill out of finding an old girlfriend just to see if she still likes you. You're curious to see what she looks like, and it's easy to fantasize about alternative courses your life might have taken.”
Ah yes, “if only” and “what if” -- I know them well.
And, of course, the most famous trio:
“shoulda woulda coulda.”
We make choices in life.A lot of them suck. If the decision is marriage to the wrong partner, tough shit.You either suck it up and make it work or get a divorce.
Adultery is not the answer – oh, and neither is murder, you usually get caught!
So imagine my disgust when I got a phone call from someone that I used to love.Good song -- “Someone that I Used to Love.” I linked it if you want to listen.
Anyway, I’ll call this man Roy because Roy Biggins was the obnoxious fat guy on the television show Wings.I wouldn’t do Roy with YOUR or your mother’s cho-cha!
I’ve already posted on this blog how much I hate the phone.Roy is an Old Fart who doesn’t use computers, so he needs a phone to connect with an Old Flame.
Background:Roy was good looking when I was in my 30’s.We shared some good times, lots of laughs.Then out of the blue he knocks up a chick and marries her.A mutual friend has kept me up to date on Roy’s lousy marriage and 20 years of hard drinking, not because I care, but because we’re gossiping Yentas.I’ve seen a picture of Roy’s alcohol-bloated face.
In my opinion, Roy is living out his major life choice and I escaped a bullet.
THE CONVERSATION
Hey ... do you know who this is?
You always know you’re in trouble with the “guess who it is ” phone call.
It’s Roy, I was hanging out with Joe and Brian this past weekend and
your name came up.How are you?
Um … wow, I’m okay. Wow ... how are you?
Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah
Listen I was thinking, maybe I could come out there and take you to lunch.
What I said:
Well, I’m really busy looking for work, and I don’t know what my schedule is going to be like, polite blah, polite blah, polite blah, yeah sure, you can try me again next week ...
What I should have said:
Are you kidding me? You call me after twenty years just to take me to lunch?
Take your friggin wifeout to lunch.
You get a twitch in your peen thinking about the good old days and you call me? You don't have even have the decency to send me an email!
I know what you have on your mind you big old bloated cheating bastard – I’m on the internet! I know all about Retrosexuals!
He hasn't called, so perhaps he picked up on my vibes. Then again, maybe he found some other Drunken Old Flame’s cho-cha to reconnect with.
Blah is all I heard until he got to the real reason for the call.
